During my childhood difficult
situations caused me to seal off from my feelings, (when I was about
three). This is the only way I could cope with my environment. It was some
35 years later that I realized that this is a familiar pattern from many
lifetimes and I chose my parents and childhood situations in this life to
give me a chance to explore this and deal with it. As I grew older I
became more and more aware of my lack of feelings. I was noted for being
totally calm and stable even in a complete crisis. Close relationships
amplified my awareness of this distancing making me more and more aware
that something was missing.
The very outer layers of this
sealing off was a severe stammer / speech block - another way of not
interacting with my environment and other people. I started working on
getting rid of that layer when I was about 22. It took 6 years or so to
get to a point where I was speaking and interacting fairly confidently in
most situations. So, although I now regularly give public talks people
only come to know of my past speech restrictions if I tell them.
I got rid of the stammer on my
own. A stammer is great to work with, it provides instant feedback and
enormous amounts of information regarding your inner workings - if you
just take the time to look at it (a true gift in disguise?). My childhood
situation forced me to completely suppress myself both to fit in with the
needs of others and also as a means to survive what was going on. The
extreme of needing to be very quiet and withdrawn resulted in the stammer.
Having largely reclaimed my verbal
expression I started digging for the lost feelings. Digging is the right
way to describe it as they were buried very deep. The work done on the
stammer gave me a good foundation to explore further and push these
limits. Unsealing takes a lot of energy (you have enormous amounts of
energy tied up in this storage and burial process). Reversing therefore
takes time, perseverance and courage.
As more buried feelings surfaced
(lots of crying), triggered at times by my surroundings, interactions and
relationships, I realised that I could not use this feeling information as
a basis to respond to those around me. They were what I would call
'release' feelings emerging from storage having been suppressed and
therefore unexpressed in past times. When these ebbed and other feelings
replaced them then again I realised that these were also not true
'flowing' feelings but learnt, conditioned, habitual ones - these are what
I call 'false' feelings. In my case it was these conditioned responses
that had helped produce the sealing off in the first place.
False feelings are ones that arise
automatically when a particular emotional or situational button is
pressed, responses you have learnt. They have been created by conditioning
and or deep trauma usually over long periods of time. I wasn't impressed
with these feelings either - don't get me wrong I didn't get annoyed or
angry with myself. It was more a case of taking note of them,
understanding their limitations and being more determined to get back my
true, core, free flowing, unconditioned feelings.
I became very good at tracking
feelings back to their childhood origins and dealing with them. However,
after a while I found myself coming upon huge reserves of feelings that
related to extreme anguish with absolutely no childhood source - there was
no origin - I was puzzled. It took about three months to discover that
this huge reservoir was from another existence. This was the beginning of
my understanding that traumas from previous lives could have a major
detrimental effect on this one.
I got to a point where I could
(fairly easily) recognise the difference between; true flowing feelings,
buried feelings from this existence and suppressed feelings from previous
existences (being released), as well as feelings arising from conditioned
reactions.
And then of course you have your
intuition to plug into as well which is a completely different ball game.
This comes from your multidimensional self, which is trying to keep you on
track with your life agreements, providing you with new information from
beyond and so on.
So, the question I have to ask you
is where do your feelings come from? Can you recognise the differences? If
you have no or little baggage to clear in this lifetime then you may be
puzzled at all the different feeling types listed above. Some of you will
still be sealed off; others will be in the conditioned feeling phase. Are
your feelings being true to your TRUE SELF - this is the real question?
I'll give you an example. You meet
someone you like. However you are in a phase of releasing unexpressed
anger from your childhood (which therefore has absolutely nothing to do
with the here and now). How you met this person matches up with earlier
situations within which you responded to in a fearful way. So in the
background you feel a bit uneasy and frightened with them but at the same
time you have had many great times together in previous existences which
is giving you a warm glow inside and an immediate rapport and (just to
make it really complicated) your intuition is saying great - but wait.
This sort of situation is probably
fairly typical for many people at this time and of course, if you don't
know why you are feeling as you do - then it can be very confusing.
