"Anomalous Discussions of Anomalous Memories/Experiences DISCUSSED IN DETAIL: This series describes how discussions of ANY/ALL Anomalous Experiences of all types are themselves consistently Anomalous. Including how: basic, background information important/relevant/central/critical to the 'ANOMALIES/EXPERIENCES' being discussed aren't mentioned never mind discussed/examined. I use my own Mandela Effect experience to discuss/examine/evaluate memories, memory 'composition' as well as factors important in aiding recall of memories and particularly with respect to memories inclusive of feelings, emotions, internal states, inner sensations & awareness's to ILLUSTRATE these discussion anomalies"
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The meditation I became involved with in my 20’s was well worth pursuing at that time as the ‘teacher’ was very knowledgeable about many different spiritual as well as therapeutic practices such that he offered sessions in ‘Rolfing’ as well as ‘Re-birthing’, I also learnt about ‘Polarity Therapy’ and ‘Kinesiology’ and used both for example.
So, as part of this meditation group (which I likely became part of over a decade after the attempted bullying ‘punch’ incident that I described on the previous page), while having some re-birthing sessions that were facilitated by this meditation/spiritual teacher I gradually became more and more aware of some particularly worrying things related to various internal aspects of myself as well as of the functioning of my ‘breathing’ . . .
I found the fast breathing of the re-birthing sessions very good for improving my awareness of my inner body environment and landscape. These sessions helped me to release tension and blockages from my body too. So, in these sessions I often felt as if I was having ‘solid’ or compacted layers and or containments within various places within my body made less solid or cleared entirely (which at times also felt as if they were melting away and or ‘dissipating’).
From what I can remember of these sessions (this was 20 years ago as I write this) I had to make a serious effort to keep following the re-birthing ‘fast breathing’ protocol because I seemed to have a lot of unconscious background resistance wanting to make me stop doing it. Fortunately I kept going against this resistance which I now feel was contributing to providing ‘resistance’ to the efforts I was making to directly engage with myself and my internal landscape in attempts to put me off/prevent myself from more deeply engaging with and gaining a greater awareness of my inner landscape and internal states/conditions.
During one of the latter re-birthing sessions (we had about a half dozen spread out over a few months) I became aware of what I can only describe as a completely solid ‘icicle’ that was about an inch and a quarter in diameter and was positioned between my anus and my naval within my abdomen. This was revealed beneath many, many layers of ‘melted’ tension as they were stripped away during an extended ‘re-birthing’ session.
This steel icicle worried me as I could correlate this with my abdomen presenting increasingly noticeable background tightness and tautness i.e. ‘tension’. I actually felt that I’d likely develop actual physical health problems (like maybe an ulcer) if I didn’t sort this out. You could translate this abdominal tightness and tautness as being the outer ‘presentation’ of a gradual accumulation of extreme stress and tension related to ‘insecurity/anxiety/nervousness’.
Becoming Aware of a Dysfunctional/Wrong ‘Breathing’ Mechanism
At around the same time I’d bought and was reading a book about ‘breath’ and ‘breathing’ which had me becoming aware that ‘normal’ breathing ‘should be’ abdomen focused. Basically I became aware that your breathing should result an in/out movement focused on the abdomen area AND if you took a large breath then after the abdomen inflates the ‘extra’ breath would noticeably lift your upper chest.
I was quite disturbed to become aware that my own breathing didn’t work in this ‘natural’ way AT ALL, NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!
In watching myself breathing ‘normally’ my abdomen absolutely wouldn’t move in the slightest (remember my abdomen is a rigid steel door) so the entire movement that was noticeable was a slight rise of my upper chest. I breathed seriously shallowly and it was all focused on my upper chest – seemingly the only place that could move. So, this was all ‘chronically’ incorrect AND worryingly so.
So, my childhood, on going stressing/tense speech block/stammer circumstances had resulted in my body gradually accumulating an enormous amount of internal stress/tension symptoms/effects resulting in my abdomen area becoming ‘solidified/concretized’. So, you could say that despite that I was aware of my full body exhibiting extreme tautness/tension in my mid teens it took over a DECADE and likely 5/6 years of determined personal SELF ORIENTATION before I actually started to ‘GAIN AWARENESS OF, NEVER MIND MORE COHERENT ACCESS TO’ the ‘CORE’ of these within my own body.
Isn’t it somewhat ‘INSANE’ that I/myself, let alone pretty much everyone else can be so utterly disengaged from themselves that despite awareness of ‘problems/dysfunctions’ as well as years of SELF orientating ‘effort’ it literally still takes a decade for myself before I can even begin to gain some ‘decent’ access to some very DEBILITATING/LIMITING ASPECTS OF MYSELF!!!!
Coincidentally, at around this time a friend of my mother’s (whom was ‘psychic’) spontaneously ‘picked up’ on and started to tell me about my abdominal icicle AND that if I didn’t sort it out it would end up causing me serious health problems.
Engaging with Locked/Blocked off Stores/Accumulations of ‘Concentrated’ Stress, Tension, Anxiety & Insecurity
This prompted me to do some re-birthing sessions on my own and this combined with using my hands and fingers to push and massage into my abdomen ‘icicle’ area whilst also (if I remember correctly) holding to a seriously strong INTENTION and perhaps visualising the icicle melting. Amazingly (and it was amazing) this was enough to start the dissolving of the solid steel icicle which resulted in myself becoming absolutely drenched in sweat from the furnace grade heat that began to emanate and release from my abdomen area (the heat was way, WAY beyond what would be expected of a physical body). This ‘melting’ and heat release continued in the background for a few weeks until the steel icicle and the previously noticeable abdomen ‘tension and tautness’ disappeared completely.
During this ‘dissolving’ phase the entire ‘abdomen area and ‘full’ body tension’ dissolved and my breathing also gradually changed and became completely focused on the lower abdomen area. So, when I took in a breath it inflated my abdomen area first. I can remember this feeling ‘right’ and that this change happening was ‘amazing’ and a ‘relief’.
So, it appears as if emotions/feelings/sensations/states of stress/tension/anxiety/insecurity had been accumulating within my abdomen (perhaps deliberately making an effort to avoid my brain!!!) for quite some time. It took me another decade before I became aware of the circumstances that ‘originated’ this.
So, this abdomen release of unbelievably concentrated stress/tension happened in my late 20’s, which would be 7/8 years into my daily program designed to facilitate myself be become more and more ‘sensitive to ‘myself’ and to all of my internal states/conditions (as well as of what of my internal states ‘correlated/reacted/responded’ with any external interactions/circumstances). A decade later my sensitivity to myself was even more acute because of the daily time I spent feeling and keeping my attention on and tracking to it’s origins any ‘untoward’ feeling/sensation that I became aware of within and or of ‘MYSELF’.
So, whenever I’d find myself becoming aware of some vague ‘attitude or background feeling or state’ then I’d keep my attention on this until I track it back to source. This would make me aware of the ‘in the past incident/experience or phase’ which I could then often recognise as being the originating ‘experience or cause’ of this ‘attitude/feeling or state’. At one point (if I recall this correctly) I became aware that I had a feeling/state/attitude of being in a permanently stressing situation, eventually leading to myself becoming isolated/disengaged/almost cut off and particularly towards my parents/people I ‘should be’ more closer to ’emotionally and or in expressive’ terms than I am or could be (at that time).
In tracking down these feelings I got right back to my early childhood and became aware that because my dad had experienced a very bad road accident (he’d experienced a fractured skull and had been in a coma for three weeks) which had resulted in him becoming extremely sensitive/reactive to ‘noise/disturbances’ such that myself as a toddler opening the lounge door would (unless I was massively careful) trigger a background ‘click’, which could cause my dad to erupt into a ‘startled/disturbed/reactive/threatened’ state. Basically I’d had to modify my behaviour ‘MASSIVELY’ in efforts to remain as safe as possible by being ultra aware of my circumstances and of anything that could ‘trigger’ my dad.
Memories of Being a Fetus in my Mothers Womb Including Awareness of My Mothers Emotional/Situational Circumstances
‘AND’ . . . ‘AND’ I ‘really’ want you take notice of this . . . in making an effort to return to the feelings/sensations associated with these early years and using them as a ‘thread line/link’ to access their origins I got access to myself as a THREE MONTH OLD FETUS and then ‘AS THIS FORM’ I felt HOW MY MOTHER HAD FELT WHEN MY FATHER WAS IN THE COMA & DIDN’T KNOW IF HE’D COME OUT OF THIS OR NOT . . . overall I became aware, that because of this accident, my ‘mothers’ attention rather then being orientated to her being pregnant/me was actually oriented to my father circumstances, which I can quite understand, however this and my fathers uncontrollable ‘reactions’ made me aware that at a very early age as a toddler I decided to disengage from my parents and to orientate to make sure that I’d limit myself being exposed/hurt by them!!!
Now, as this was BIZARRE/OFF THE EDGE/UNBELIEVABLE then in an indirect way I talked to my mother about these times and particularly about my attitude towards themselves as a ‘toddler’ to find that my mother remembered that from one day to the next without seemingly any explanation I no longer wanted to be held, cuddled or kissed, which very obviously upset my mum!!!
In that my childhood situation had me continually on edge, tense and stressed pretty much all of the time then this obviously resulted in a massive accumulation of stress, tension and anxiety over many, many years (even into my teens). In other words it’s not a surprise that I ended up with a solid stress/tense/anxiety build up in my abdomen area, is it?
What is even more BIZARRE/OFF THE EDGE/UNBELIEVABLE, is that some ‘chronic’ aspects of myself that we’re ‘integral’ to myself that were having a serious/detrimental impact on myself were only ‘revealed’ through a daily, continuous ‘self orientation/self awareness’ program/effort being carried out for 7/8 years before I was able to directly engage with this enough to access it and ‘release it’ AND this didn’t happen because of the efforts of my doctor (whom at one point gave me some ‘stress’ relief pills, which didn’t seem to have any effect what so ever on myself).
So, an ‘alternate’ self awareness approach coupled with an alternate book on breath and breathing coupled with 7/8 years of effort helped me to more and more become aware of deeper aspects of myself AND ALLOW ME TO ‘PROPERLY’ DEAL WITH THESE . . .
AND, this only happened because, I was in a daily sense making an effort to orientate to myself, become more ‘sensitive’ to myself while also making an effort to track to source of any untoward feelings/states/moods/attitudes to their originating circumstances. This had now become a ‘normal’ part of my daily life, something that I did ‘AS A MATTER OF COURSE’.
Now, in tracking all sorts of things back to their origins I was coming across a few states/sensations/feelings which on tracking these back I’d find myself at a dead end/in darkness. I had perhaps a half dozen of these types that didn’t seem to lead anywhere. These puzzled me in that, at this point I’d tracked likely many, many 100’s of different effects, states, feelings, ‘sensations’ as well as ‘odd’ reactions to specific circumstances, incidents/interactions I had with others back to their ‘source’ in my past so it appeared as if some ‘effects’ couldn’t be accessed either at all or ‘still’ couldn’t be accessed despite that at this point I’ve 15 years experience of doing this . . .
Click the right >> link below for the next page in this series . .